By Niccolò M
Today is Sunday, (a sentence here is left out).
I feel less free than ever before. I feel a form of life is limiting my action everywhere. I’m not really free to break these tacit practices and it makes me very angry and agitated.
(a paragraph here is left out)
How can we be said to understand others when we have utterly no access to their being-in-the-world? What we think we might have done for others is at the least deluded, at the most psychologically egoistic. All interpersonal conflicts are naturally dispelled if we could just admit that no one can truly understand us and stop assuming as if our own subjectivity is the only absolute.
Cioran was right, one can indeed learn a lot from suffering. After four hours of hysterical cries, I have this epiphany from what Bukowski once wrote — don’t try. This is a classic case of where one shouldn’t try.
When you think about things seriously, nothing makes much sense. Why think that one particular this or that is not fair? Everything else is as well! So why fix my mind on this and torture myself so much?! It isn’t worth it! (A sentence here is left out). I think deep down we all know that if it happens it would be rather unfortunate. If that is that to which nothing can be done, isn’t it the most common thing that happens around us every day? Isn’t it unfair in the same way as people born into poverty being destined to see others enjoy material affluence; the same way some people die young in pain while others live a long and prosperous life? We don’t really see these unfair events as such, but we put a name of fate on them.
On the other hand, I am not angry toward anything or anyone in particular. I have realized that frustrations in life often arise exactly because there is not one target to which one can reasonably direct their turmoiled thoughts. In such frustrations, one usually lets their emotions out on whatever they can catch sight of anyway, regardless of whether that person or that thing is really responsible for their suffering. However, when I realized there is no such target, I can’t help but wonder –what exactly went wrong, then? If nothing is responsible for this painful experience, it is only something natural. When there is nothing to resist, one can finally let go of whatever it is that used to trouble them so much. Other times I still cannot get my head around it, and then I find things don’t make sense because there must be something responsible for this illness. To what extent is this a sensible inquiry, though? When we live our life normally, we never seem to bother asking why we are feeling good, so why then, when troubles arise there must be a cause? I think even if we can find one it would be an oversimplification of the actual causes in the same way that our feeling okay cannot be explained by one simple factor.
Anyway, my meditation today is over with what I believe is a good ending, that is, my being able to let go and not try to reach some overly high yet unreasonable standard. In doing so I have (a sentence here is left out).
p.s. Some people might regret their whole life for not achieving certain things at some point in their life. But now I won’t because, after going through all these things, I realized that things should conform to me and that nothing is so worthy of me bending my knees to conform to them.